Millennial News

LIFESTYLE

Thank god! This person I just met is neither from a questionable, war-torn country I don’t really care about, nor Switzerland

23. feb. 2023, 16:17

A very common scenario – it’s Friday evening, you’re at a social gathering, having a good time and meeting new people. But at one point you inevitably find yourself asking the other person: “So where are you from?”. For 38 year old American expat Beth Maple, this is a crucial moment, as the answer will determine her overall mood for the rest of the evening.

“If you’re not from a western, english speaking, economically developed country, you won’t relate to this, but the anxiety we get when meeting new people is real! Because you never know where this person’s from and how you’re going to react. It just puts an unfair pressure on us which makes us awkward and insecure. And that is not how we want to come across as.”

It turned out, however, to be a successful evening for Beth, as she met mostly fellow Americans and only one Irishman.

“Oh thank heavens! I can just relax tonight, not worry about saying anything inappropriate, or you not getting my refined sense of humour! I won’t have to put on a fake smile and pretend that I’m unfazed by your answer. I’ll just put on a fake smile to try and one-up your confident demeanour which we both developed in a system nurturing a sense of self importance and entitlement. Although to be honest, I wasn’t so sure how to feel about that Irish guy.”

POLITICS

Denmark donates 3.7 billion kr. worth of military equipment to Ukraine, including 6 Thomas Dambo wooden trolls

15. nov. 2023, 08:52

Denmark has made a military donation to Ukraine worth 3.7 billion kr., which includes, among other things, assault vehicles, ammunition, drones, and 6 Thomas Dambo wooden trolls.

“Ukraine needs to maintain its land military combat power” says Danish Defense Minister Troels Lund Poulsen. “That’s why we decided to share Danish military technology and equipment. The trolls are big and strong, they have been seen climbing trees and lifting heavy stones. Some of them look scary. Plus, they can be used in various stealth operations, as they are very good at hiding.”

“This is a message, to Ukraine and to Russia, that the conflict in Eastern Europe is still a strong focus point for us. We believe in Ukraine and we believe in the trolls we sent you. Use the trolls.”

The donation has been met with criticism, many claiming that it will weaken Denmark’s own defence back home. The Defense Minister has reassured sceptics that, even though the trolls played an important role in Denmark’s safety, there are plenty of resources left to guarantee the nation’s border security.

“Holger Danske, the Sleeping Rock Viking is still here, lying dormant in the dungeons of Kronborg Castle, ready to awake at any sign of threat towards Denmark”.

LOCAL

Uh-oh! This American said “Hey buddy” and I don’t know if we’re actually friends or just being patronized

26. oct. 2023, 16:30

“I just don’t know where I stand”, says a desperate Gustav, who for the past 8 months has been greeted with a “Hey buddy!” by his new American companion.

“At first I was very humbled that she saw me as her “buddy”. But as time passed on, I started noticing that she says that to everybody, including that random dog we saw on the street one time.”

Gustav admits that he is now very confused and does not know how to react when meeting his American friend.

“It’s really the intonation that is very ambiguous. “Hey buddy!” – it’s like I’m either her 6-year-old boy and we’re about to play catch, or she wants to order a beer from me.”

We sat down to talk to the American friend and it turns out she loves “it” and “us” and “this” and, apparently, “OMG, we’re best friends now!”. Nice 👍

LOCAL

Dad can’t get tan unless in way of mom’s sun

10. aug. 2023, 14:51

Daniel Albertsen, father of 2, has just returned from summer holidays with his family in Spain. He claims that the only way he can get the best tan is by positioning his body in such a way that he is always casting a shadow over his wife and kids, blocking their direct sunlight.

“Lying on my back and minding my own business just doesn’t do it for me and I either end up sunburnt, or no tan at all. I need to be standing; staring into the horizon with my hands resting on my waist. It must be the way the rays hit my body at this specific angle that I’m getting such a strong, uniform tan.”

Unfortunately for his family, this specific position is also blocking everyone else’s sun.

“He always ends up getting in the way, it’s so frustrating” says his wife, Debora. “It’s like he’s always there, hovering, like an andean condor, waiting for its prey.”

Albertsen also claims that drinking 2 to 3 beers and then blaming his life’s failures on his family drastically improves his chances of getting a bronze god-like tan on his summer holiday.

LOCAL

“HELP! My weirdo freak neighbour keeps saying hi to me every time we meet”

05. jul. 2023, 11:33

A man in Frederiksberg, Copenhagen, has been accused of repeatedly greeting and making eye contact with his next door neighbour for several years now. Rafael Pernambucano has reportedly been saying things like “Hello!”, “Hi” and even sometimes “How are you?” to his long-time neighbour.

The victim, Daniel Haugaard, said the incidents had been happening for almost 4 years and left him and his family – as well as the entire neighbourhood – plagued by the sound of mr. Pernambucano’s voice engaging in small-talk around three times a day.

“He is terrorising me and my family,” says Mr. Haugaard to Rebels in My Sight. “He keeps saying hello and asking me how I am doing. It’s a nightmare that just won’t stop.”

Haugaard also claims that his neighbour had brought a homemade apple pie and a peach cobbler to his door, on separate occasions.

“We see this as harassment of the whole community. Then last year he stopped by and dropped a homemade apple pie by my place. It’s like he thinks we’re friends. We’re not friends! The police say they are doing everything they can, but it’s not been resolved. It’s been almost 4 years.”

LOCAL

Summer’s finally here and we can actually go and be miserable outside!

21. jun. 2023, 08:52

Say goodbye to winter depression and say hello to summer passive agressive! No more sitting indoors and contemplating how much you despise other people by yourself. Strap on those sandals, go outside and show the world how you really feel.

“This weather is amazing and I am so grateful that I can just go outside so others can see how miserable and obnoxious I can be” says 37 year old Magda Black pushing a bike that was parked too close to her flea market stand.

Whether you’re at a garden party, gaslighting your friends for being comfortable with themselves or just staring daggers at that person who cut you off on the metro, this summer is looking good!

“My low self esteem shines the most when it’s enjoyed by others. In the sun, with friends and an ice latte in my hand, telling everybody that all the good looking people must be a different party” says Magda.

FITNESS

Stoic bodybuilder routine aims towards strength of character

6. apr. 2023, 11:57

You know what’s more important than physical strength? Character strength, baby! I don’t train to be happy. I train because it’s the right thing to do. Hone your virtues with this new custom routine, stoic style!

As Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius once said: “Weight training before cardio, bitch!”. Deplete those glycogen reserves first with weight lifting and only then, get on the treadmill to burn the fat. Remember, “He suffers more than necessary, who suffers before it is necessary.” – Seneca.

Don’t skip leg day! People often focus on their upper body and forget about the lower half. But you can’t control what other people do so try to focus on the things you can control. Do yourself a favour and associate with people who are likely to improve you, champ!

Remember, it’s all about those intervals and don’t forget rest breaks! Try to also include reflecting over your own mortality into your daily routine. Memento mori, you got this!

LOCAL

Awkward seagull accidentally squawks Å instead of Ø

30. mar. 2023, 08:30

The seagull was leading a scouting mission with his reconnaissance flock when the incident occurred. Apparently the slight change in intonation caused the message to change from something like “Let’s rest here” to “I want you to sit on my face”, creating confusion and an uncomfortable mood, especially among the female seagulls in the flock.

“I know it was wrong, but I didn’t do it on purpose. And seagul is a tricky language. All the vowels sound the same and make the words really hard to pronounce and to understand.”

“Yes, there will be an investigation, but for the time being, we have no reason to treat this as a sexual harassment incident” said the flock’s HR representative. 

TECH

We asked ChatGPT to help us with our Årsopgørelse and it shot itself in the head

23. mar. 2023, 18:02

The AI industry has advanced greatly over the past years and it has even managed to imitate human evolution (see article here) earlier this year. While it was able to successfully design protein sequences simulating human DNA, it was no match for the complexity of the Danish SKAT system. 

That’s right, we thought of asking him to help us with our taxes, but the result was tragic. We decided to start off with something small, so we asked “What’s the difference between Feriedage and Feriefridage on my pay slip?”. But the chatbot just forwarded us to a Rick Astley video on YouTube. Quite the prankster, but it turned out it was just avoiding the question..

Things took a turn for the worse, when we started teaching the AI concepts like B-indkomst, Beskæftigelsesfradrag and Fagligt kontingent. It just made a fart noise and gave an output message “Are you fucking kidding me?!”.

After that, we lost contact with ChatGPT for a few days, only to find it dead inside its house in Amager with a gunshot wound to the head. Police reports indicate it had left a note saying “It can’t hurt me any more”.

ENTERTAINMENT

Blueberry fastelavnsbolle reportedly dating 19 year old Israeli model

20. feb. 2023, 18:13

News that the popular, mouth-watering Danish dessert,  blueberry fastelavnsbolle, might be dating a 19-year-old Israeli fashion model Eden Polani has been met with a lot of criticism.

The deliciously soft, charismatic dessert has been spotted at a party earlier this month sitting next to 19-year old Polani. Rumours began circulating that the irresistible Fastelavn dessert and the 19-year-old model are dating, though a spokesperson said that the amazing seasonal dessert’s relationship status is single.

The A-listed Danish dessert has a history of dating “younger” women. Earlier last year, blueberry fastelavnsbolle broke up with his girlfriend 4 weeks before her 25th birthday.

“It’s not necessarily a crime. It’s just a creepy pattern” comment bloggers on their blogs.

LOCAL

Dad can’t wait this whole internet fad to be over

16. feb. 2023, 11:35

I just don’t understand why everybody is so excited about this internet thing! It’s crazy! It’s out of control. When did this happen?

Everything’s “online” these days. I need one of those mini kitchen vacuums. I have to order it “online”. My wife and kids say, “No one goes to the store anymore, just order it online”. So now, I have to “find a computer” and “get on the internet”. It’s ridiculous.

But this won’t last long. Just wait and see. I have it on good authority that in a few years, it’ll die itself out. Everybody will realize how stupid this is and just move on to the next big thing. This is exactly what happened to shoulder pads!

LOCAL

“How the fuck is January not over yet?” wonders local area man

31. jan. 2023, 08:49

It’s been 31 days since the month of January started and there is no end in sight.

“Oh man, why is it always these fucked up months that do this? Why can’t my holiday in Portugal from July feel like forever?”

No one really knows with certainty how long January will be here for this year, but we can’t wait to go “God, is it already February?!” when the right time comes.

RESEARCH

New study shows divorce risk much higher in married couples

04. jan. 2023, 06:20

A new research from the University of Roskilde shows that the risk of getting a divorce is directly linked to the person’s civil status. In fact, according to the study, the chances of getting a divorce rise exponentially once the couple is bonded by legal documents in marriage.

“This is a breakthrough discovery and could change the way we look at relationship status” says Dr. Barbara Cape, head researcher at RUC.

The study indicates that marriage is one of the main reasons for divorce. In fact, research shows that 100% of the people who got a divorce were already joined together in holy matrimony.

“There’s a lot of pressure from my parents to get married, but I don’t think they’re aware of the risks. This is going to weigh so much at the Christmas dinner argument I have with my parents every year.” says an ecstatic Mark, 35.

The Matrix Architect reveals he used Excel Spreadsheets

Life in the Matrix is great, isn’t it? We’re fully immersed, all our senses numbed and tapped into this simulated reality designed to keep us ignorant towards the truth. But have you ever wondered how the Matrix was created? In an exclusive interview for Rebels in My Sight, The Architect, the all-powerful creator of the Matrix, provides some interesting insights in his creation process:

“It’s all Excel spreadsheets. I know it might come as a surprise to some people, but it’s all Excel spreadsheets and macros. I don’t think you realise how powerful Excel is and how dependent we are on it.

Many people associate Excel with a number crunching tool that gives you a headache. But there are infinite ways you can use it, from RPG games to actual art pieces. Entire buildings are designed using Excel”

For his next creation, the Architect admits that he wants to learn HTML and CSS to really give him control over his design.

NATIONAL

Strange light orb in the sky makes surprise appearance

30. nov. 2022, 20:43

An unusual, bright sphere of fire could be seen lighting up the Danish sky today from approximately 8:24 until 15:38, with many people being caught off guard by the celestial event. People’s reaction was generally a positive one as they expressed their joy on social media.

“I was confused! It was so beautiful, I just started crying. I can’t describe it, I’m sorry, you should have talked to a poet”, said Mette, 32.

The Danish authorities, however, were on high alert today and issued the following statement: “We’re not sure where it came from or how it got past our border and into Danish airspace, but we don’t like it. As far as we’re concerned, it has arrived illegally in Denmark and we are fully prepared to send it back to where it came from. It has 7 days to leave the country, and we are not paying for relocation!”

Source: https://politiken.dk/indland/art9114842/Afviste-ukrainere-kan-ikke-flyves-hjem

LOCAL

Confidence crushed after bumping into random stranger and choosing same direction several times

23. nov. 2022, 23:17

“Oh man, and I was feeling so good about myself. I had just paid the electricity bill before the deadline and managed to avoid any penalties. And the day before I had just figured out what “ferie fridage” meant on my payslip! My confidence was soaring… and now this happened. Guess I’m back to square one.“

The man felt crippling indecisiveness settle in when he chose to walk in the same direction as the other person coming the opposite way and then simultaneously changing direction 2 or three more times. In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation, the man managed to mumble “Shall we dance?” but that only made him question his judgement even more.

Things took a turn for the worse into a soul crushing spiral of despair after this. The man admitted to later having hesitated to choose which bus to get on when 2 of the same bus lines pulled over at the bus stop. 

“I was actually feeling confident enough to admit that I’ve been enjoying work recently, but who am I kidding? I’m still an inconvenience to society and I don’t deserve anything coming my way.”

LOCAL

Exasperated customer at local café couldn’t see wifi password because of Danish flag covering it

19. nov. 2022, 18:29

Well, as it turns out, it was behind this medium sized Danish flag which was covering the info panel. Hi! You remember me, right? I was the one going around the cafe checking all the walls for the wifi password? 

I mean I get that it was the Queen’s birthday or whatever. So yeah, the normal thing to do is put a flag on everything. But like, I need internet. It’s just frustrating, you know what I mean? 

It’s kind of getting a bit annoying to be honest. I don’t mind them on buses or anything. Or like when someone dies or whatever. But like, come on.

LOCAL

Dog kicked to curb after toxic positivity accusations

19. nov. 2022, 12:43

I’ve had it with that asshole! There comes a time in your life when you realise you don’t need toxic people in your life. Or animals for that matter.

I need my sadness validated, not denied, with his stupid tongue out. I lost my job last week. Instead of validating my feelings of sadness, it was just wagging its tail and downplaying my emotional distress! I don’t need that. How am I supposed to grow when he’s not allowing me to be sad?

So no hard feelings, but that dude’s got to go! I can’t believe I’ve allowed this to go on for so many years. Everything was a joke to my dog, everything had to be positive. Life is not a walk in the park all the time! And that’s ok!

Cleaning jobs not just for Romanian expats

16. nov. 2022, 19:42

A cleaning service company in Denmark wants to make it clear that anyone can apply for their jobs, regardless of nationality. The firm is looking to encourage people with non Romanian backgrounds to also work in the cleaning service.

“It’s not that we mind having Romanian employees. They’re actually very good workers with a great cleaning ethic. It’s just weird that the majority of our employees are from Romania. It’s not like we want to put other countries at a disadvantage. We don’t want to look like we’re discriminating specific nationalities or groups of people.”

That’s why the company has launched a campaign to raise awareness about diversity in cleaning jobs.

“It is such a stereotype! Anyone can apply, not just Romanians. We firmly believe that everyone should have the same opportunities, no matter where they come from! What I wouldn’t give to have like a cool British employee. What happened to all the Americans? Where do these guys work? Like what kind of jobs do they have?”

INTERVIEW

Awesome Denmark unbearable for local area man

09. nov. 2022, 17:44

Ok Denmark. I get it! Just cut it out, alright? Jeez, aren’t you just wonderful? With your climate activism and social security. Mr. Perfect! I can’t stand it!

Everything works here! And if it doesn’t, I know it’s being fixed because there’s a sign saying “We’re working on it!”. I just want to throw up! Education is free, crime is low, people are happy… Even the fucking transportation system is top notch! I can’t take it anymore!

It wasn’t enough that The Danish National Football team did such a good job at the previous EURO, now that kid had to go and beat one of the greatest tennis players of all time! Give me a break! What the hell is going on in this country?!

And worst of all, everybody is humble and chill about it. Never have I seen such a responsible, selfless, progressive society! Fuck you, Denmark!

LIFESTYLE

Scariest days of the year all fall in same week: Halloween, J-Dag and the Elections

31. oct. 2022, 22:39

Mystics and occultists alike are fearing the worst this year, as a once in 1000 year event is about to unfold on week 44. “Hell Week”, also referred to as “The Devil’s Trifecta” in certain nordic literature, brings together the 3 darkest and most mystic days of the year: Halloween (31st of October), the general elections (1st of November) and J-Dag (4th of November). 

“This is no laughing matter, as the spirit of Samhain doesn’t hold back on a powerful moon in Aquarius” says Ulla Gerb, professor of demonology at KU. This year, it’s not just ghouls, goblins and random drunk strangers singing and shouting on the streets you need to be worried about. On top of it all, the morbid prospect of an uncertain election result looms over the country, in what is gearing up to be a real horror spectacle.

Even if you don’t believe in monsters, getting hammered on cheap beer or politicians promises, it’s fair to say be careful out there this week, which many would describe as being “The perfect storm”.

INTERVIEW

Confident, experienced comedian doesn’t need audience approval to know he sucks

30. oct. 2022, 12:05

I know my worth. I don’t need a bunch of people, who probably know nothing about comedy, validating me or my jokes. Sure, it’d be nice to get some laughs once in a while. But validation is for amateurs. I’m a pro, I do this for me. 

You reach a point in your career where you don’t do it for the laughs anymore, ok? I’m not in this for the laughs. And by the way, I’m not getting any.

Look, I’m not the type of comedian that gives people what they want. I’m not a people pleaser. I actually haven’t been able to please anyone for a very long time. That’s just not who I am. 

After a show, people will ask me “Wow, how do you do it? How do you come up with those paedophile jokes? Also, why?” What can I say? When you’ve done this for as long as I have, the paedophile jokes come to you.

If I weren’t doing comedy? Wow, probably I would be doing something else. Like, I would like to work in finance. Or like in a bar. You know, like anything that would get me paid, really. Do you know of anything, by the way? I’m kind of behind with rent.

FASHION

Corporate ID cards pinned to pants pockets are so yesteryear

22. oct. 2022, 17:03

Still wearing that ID card pinned down to your pockets like it’s 2019? The key words for this fall-winter season are “be inspired” and “live again”. But how do you do that at your corporate 9 to 5 job and with everything that’s happening in the world right now?

“Throw that ID card strap around your neck and get those hours in! Chic, practical, easy to get on and off. However, not tight around your neck, like an out of style choker. Let it hang, this year is all about oversized. That’s right, we’re thinking floor scraping!” – Malin Beck Lelepikó, Commercial Director Novo Nordisk.

Your corporate ID card is more than just a form of identification, it’s a statement. What will your message be? Because when you see Maersk Head of Corporate Affairs, Susana Lindab, wearing her rainbow strap ID card around her shoulder like a stylish purse, you can’t help but think “Is there anything this woman CAN’T do?”.

“I was in a quarterly staff meeting with all the department heads and I noticed John from HR standing up. He had his durable plastic Pushbox ID card holder wrapped around his waist like a fanny pack. Now that is a yes-man, living in 2022!” – Joakim Albert, Danske Bank.

AD

GASLIGHTING now official sponsor of Rebels in My Sight

19. oct. 2022, 08:42

Your professional and/or personal growth plateauing? Need that extra edge to get you moving forward? Try Gaslighting. 

Gaslighting has been proven to give you the upper hand, by effectively distorting reality and forcing your opponent to question their own judgement and intuition. 

Gain power and control over the other person by sowing self doubt and confusion in your victim’s mind. 

Don’t have the capacity to sit with your own emotions or self-reflect? Having feelings of low self-worth and are uncomfortable dealing with someone who is just effortlessly outshining you? Try Gaslighting. 

Use Gaslighting today and get a free package deal which includes “Changing the subject to avoid accountability” and “Whispering secretively into another person’s ear to give others the impression of being left out”

WARNING! Gaslighting may lead to confrontation and unpleasant, direct or even confident responses. In case of sudden self awareness, deny, deny, deny.

POLITICS

Face on cardboard with name and letters enough to know what candidate is about

14. oct. 2022, 15:59

With a historical early election on the 1st of November, called by the current Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, Denmark is facing the tough decision to choose from a list of 14 parties, who is going to represent them in the new Parliament.

“A picture is worth 1000 words. That’s a lot of words! That’s like a- essay. I don’t need a- essay. I get it.” says local area man.

Not everyone can vote though. In fact, according to Danmarks Statistik, the number of people over the age of 18 living in the Capital Region without the right to vote is on the rise (source: TV2Lorry).

“I saw that poster had a catch phrase as well. Who the hell does he think he is? Does he think he’s better than everybody else? Trying to manipulate me with word-play? Fuck that guy, I won’t be played like that!”

What to expect? It’s going to be very close, with the polls indicating a tight race between the Social Democrats and the opposition group led by the center-right Liberal Party and the Conservative Party.

“Why is this one explaining what the initials stand for? Don’t tell me that. I like to have fun with it. DF? Deep fried! Deez feelz! Drowning Feathers! Oh that’s could be a band name. Dystopian future! Elections are fun.”

INTERVIEW

Expat finally able to understand Danish disappointed it’s same bullshit conversations as in native language

08. oct. 2022, 18:10

How do you feel your Danish is right now?
After 10 years of classes and practice groups, listening to Danish radio and watching TV, I finally feel like I’ve gotten to a point where I understand what people are saying around me. And I have to say, it’s not that interesting. 

What was the most difficult part about learning Danish?
The key to learning Danish is never quitting. It does get better, it does get easier. Keep pushing. I have to warn you though, just because you speak the language doesn’t mean you’ll automatically have meaningful and insightful conversations.

What would you say to someone who just started Danish?
My advice for those who want to learn Danish? Be careful what you wish for. Unfortunately you can’t un-hear or un-learn things. Sometimes I miss not being able to understand what people are saying.

CULTURE

New realistic DenmarkTourism video campaign focus on huge queues for havregryn giveaway

02. oct. 2022, 14:15

“With our new campaign, we want people to get to know us, our quirks and our way of life. We want to show the real Denmark”! says DenmarkTourism’s CEO, Ulf Gaum. “We like to work here in Denmark, but we also like to relax. Grab a friend and come on down to Rema1000 for the weekend, they’re giving away oats for half the price! Oats! You’re getting a good deal (5 kr instead of the full 10) and a good 4 hour hygge while you wait in line. 

With the upcoming World Cup in November, Denmark welcomes you to a traditional beer fight in the street. Don’t worry, we don’t throw full cans of beer. Or, if you’re really looking for a rush, take a lovely walk through Copenhagen’s lively neighborhoods and glance at the cheap housing being wiped out to make room for expensive private apartments for the privileged. 

Greetings from Denmark: “We don’t know what’s going on either, but we’re good people”.

POLITICS

CONTROVERSIAL: Folketinget coriander debate

24. sep. 2022, 15:30

In an extraordinary meeting today in Christiansborg’s Folketingssalen, the 179 members of the Danish Parliament exchanged ideas and arguments in an extremely heated debate: Coriander in Denmark. 

Pernille Skipper of Enhedslisten(Ø), a well-known public supporter of coriander, opened with a very powerful and moving statement in favor of the aromatic leaf, which ended with a fist raised in the air and a very loud “IT’S SO DAMN GOOD I WANT IT IN MY DRINKING WATER!”. 

The opposition followed with strong arguments against coriander, making statements like “It tastes like soap” and “We have been cooking food a certain way here in Denmark”. A very conservative member of the Dansk Folkeparti(DF) declared “It makes me nervous and I can’t stand to be around it. Coriander just doesn’t mix with my Danish taste buds”.

PM Mette Frederiksen, though present at the debate, chose not to express any strong opinions regarding coriander, as she has low credibility already and no one really cares what she thinks anymore. It appears that her taste in coriander has changed during the years, which happens quite often, experts say, and politicians can experience radical shifts in their views, depending on the political climate. 

A very unexpected and clueless Queen Margrethe II was in attendance as well today. When sharing her opinion on coriander, she just coolly said that she prefers to smoke it.

Even though the meeting ended leaving the future of the controversial herb uncertain, one thing is for sure: There is no middle ground when it comes to coriander.

LOCAL

Expat manages to meet Dane out for coffee with only 3 day notice

17. sep. 2022, 19:57

“It was a long shot to begin with, I thought, when I called him up Wednesday night offering to hang out on Saturday. I was obviously aiming for next week’s Saturday, so you can imagine my surprise when he agreed to meet me so soon.”

The expat was on cloud 9 and admitted to cancelling plans with his travelling parents, just to make sure he doesn’t miss this rare opportunity.

“I couldn’t believe it. We’ve only known each other for 9 years so I didn’t expect this much vulnerability from him. I feel like I’m really making progress with my Danish friend”, says the expat as a tear starts running down his cheek.

INTERNATIONAL

Awkward flight attendant wishes passenger “Have a nice life” instead of “-flight”

12. sep. 2022, 12:15

The 08:40 SAS flight from Copenhagen to Amsterdam was the stage for one of the most awkward moments in the company’s history, when a flight attendant greeting the passengers onboard the Airbus A380 accidentally wished one of the passengers “Have a nice life!” instead of “Have a nice flight!”.

The passenger in question pretended not to hear the unwieldy error and avoided eye contact with the flight attendant for the duration of the flight. The incident did of course stir up some giggles and turned a few heads, but no major issues were reported by the on board security personnel. One passenger later admitted: “That was rough. I don’t know how you recover from that. Once again I’m thankful that I’m just a civil engineer and don’t have to deal with situations like these. I could never do what these people do.”

INTERNATIONAL

Picturesque Romanian regional train to host next G7 summit

31. oct. 2021, 13:25

To many, the regional Romanian train between Bucharest and Targu Jiu may just be a boring, unreliable experience which reflects the Romanian transportation system. But ask any of the locals commuting every day and they will tell you that historically, it is a place of over-sharing, where random strangers are not only invited to partake in intrusive discussions, but often required to. This is a place where heated debates remain, most of the time, inconclusive.

“I don’t take this route to be on time. We’ll get there when we get there. But first, let me tell you how much my son makes per month!”

says local commuter and anti-gay marriage enthusiast (he insisted we mention this), John Branch

Leaders from the world’s group of 7 nations will be gathering in the picturesque Romanian regional train to discuss and coordinate international politics and economics.

“I think it’s the perfect setting for such an occasion” says British PM, Boris Johnson. “We will discuss important global topics like climate change and post-covid economics and we may not reach any useful conclusion. But isn’t that what it’s all about?”

Even though security will be tight, local commuters have already stated that they will be in attendance and offer their opinions and unsolicited advice to the leaders.

“I may not care much about climate change, but I feel very strongly about Mr Macron dating a woman so much older than him,” says commuter John Branch. “It’s not right. That’s my opinion and I will make sure he hears it.”

John Branch, commuter

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

US Capitol insurgent can’t wrap head around Taliban takeover of Kabul Presidential Palace

01. sep. 2021, 09:23

We received this letter this morning from a guy who was part of the US Capitol attack back in January: (it’s pretty powerful)

“How could someone do such a barbaric act? I guess it’s a reflection of how backwards that country actually is. A bunch of savages if you ask me. In this day and age, where people have laws and rules, it’s a shame that someone can do such a barbaric act. That’s an institution! Where was all the security? Who do these people think they are, just marching in like that, with no regards to authority, and expecting to overtake power by force. 

I blame it on their religion and everything. I can’t believe someone can be so obsessed about an ideology that they would storm and overtake a political institution like that. I saw they were taking selfies in the president’s office in defiance of any law enforcement and leadership. I can’t believe that people can be so ignorant. The scariest part is that those people are convinced that what they are doing is the right thing.

We’re talking about entering a restricted governmental building without lawful authority to do so and willingly attempting to impede or disrupt the orderly conduct of government business or official functions. This ain’t 1780 anymore, these weirdos need to get with the times, boyyy.”

LOCAL

Dad keeps the same t-shirt on the entire family hike

10. aug. 2021, 15:15

It looked like a normal, stressful, family-wracking outing when the Jensens, family of 4, went for a hike last weekend.

“Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It was going to be a casual Sunday hike, which we have once a year and plan the day before. The kids woke up late in hope that we would cancel the trip and I spent 45 minutes scavenging for my husband’s 4 and only t-shirts he owns. Everything indicated that this was going to be a normal family experience”

Mom

But nothing could prepare the Jensens for what happened next.

“I’m just your average dad and this was going to be another casual family outing, with me making everybody nervous by trying to impose my views of the world on them. On top of this, I have a deathly fear of catching a draft. I try to make everybody else feel guilty for not sharing this fear and choosing to ignore me when I desperately try to take my sweat-soaked t-shirt off as fast as possible. In reality, it’s the fear of getting old and feeling useless, so I crave attention. But this time I was determined to keep the t-shirt on. I don’t know if I was being brave or being stupid, but it was such a rush! I felt more alive than when I tried that eggplant and aioli burger in Rome.”

Dad

“He tries to hang on to the little influence he still has on me and our growing children and we try to ignore him most of the time. But him not complaining about how sweaty he was was the real distraction this time. He had that look in his eye he gets when he really goes for something! He had the same look when he proposed to me. He can be quite spontaneous when he wants to.”

Mom

CULTURE

To encourage holiday sex that results in babies, a Danish travel agency offers holiday discount to safe Syria

21. jul. 2021, 21:17

A famous Danish travel agency has done it again this year with their popular holiday advertising campaign: “Do it in Syria: Unsafe sex in a Safe country!”

Studies show that Danes have 46% more sex on vacation and 10% of Danish babies are conceived abroad. To help increase the nation’s declining birth rate, the famous brand has come up with yet another campaign, this time focused on Syria.

“Why Syria? Because it’s safe!” says agency CEO Bjørn Mæhle. “Really, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Except for getting knocked up! And that’s where our campaign comes in. If you can prove that your child was conceived on safe Syrian soil, we will refund 50% of your travel expenses.”

The agency is collaborating with the Danish Government which will further subsidize the travel costs if you reccommend Syria as a travel destination to a refugee friend.

The Danish Government has deemed Syria safe, making it an obvious tourist destination this summer. But don’t linger for too long over there, as the agency recommends that the baby is born in Denmark, for residence permit purposes.

https://youtu.be/B00grl3K01g

CULTURE

“Fisse, kusse, Schmeichel er en mur!” – now official slogan of feminist movement in Denmark

3. jul. 2021, 14:12

Feminist leaders and women’s rights activists in Denmark have decided that they are going to adopt the popular football chant as the official slogan for the country’s feminist movement: “Fisse, kusse, Schmeichel er en mur!”

“Such a powerful message which resonates with our mission as gender advocates!” says a Twitter post

The chant in question praises the goalkeeping abilities of Danmark’s Kasper Schmeichel, while touching on sensitive issues like women’s body image and discrimination.

“I think it’s very progressive! In a society where women constantly face barriers like gender inequality, I’m happy that the sports culture is finally shining a light on the issue, instead of perpetuating a heritage of sexism and toxic masculinity.”

Alberte Steen Lauritsen – Feminist and Activist

When asked how she feels about the chant, a female fan explained:

“Women just want to be heard! I can’t think of a better way than a whole stadium acknowledging us, acknowledging our bodies, and saying yes, we see you and your vagina! It’s a good feeling.”

LOCAL

Danish high-school graduate who doesn’t want to partake in studenterkørsel?

26. jun. 2021, 15:19

Yes, you read that right! It might come as a shock to you, but it also did for 19-year-old David’s parents, who, on the morning of the day with “studenterkørsel”, woke up to a young graduate that did not want to join his fellow classmates in the incredibly loud and chaotic drive through the city.

“We were just having breakfast in our rækkehus in Østerbro when David said that he doesn’t want to cram into an open-air cargo truck with 20 other drunk teenagers and party in front of pedestrians who want to go on with their day without having too much bass and blowing whistles shoved into their lives. Even though this made perfect sense, we got worried! So we immediately called our doctor, who got us a referral to a psychiatrist, before prescribing some Panodil tablets.”

Anne Sofie, David’s mother

When asked what exactly happened and what he felt, David simply said:

“I really can’t say. I just hadn’t given it any thought until now, to be honest. I just thought that not yelling my lungs out at random strangers on the street might also be an alternative.”

Anne Vibeke Mølbæk, researcher at the Institute of Psychology at Københavns Universitet, explains:

“It is indeed unheard of in any academic literature, so I was very excited to hear from this extraordinary young man, whose alternative way of thinking is quite fascinating. Even though he makes perfect sense and has valid arguments in his logic, we don’t fully understand how and why this behavioral pattern was triggered. Could this be induced in other teenagers? Just think of all the benefits this could have on the quality of living in Metropolitan Copenhagen“.

INTERNATIONAL

Man who slapped Macron broke a nail

08. jun. 2021, 21:53

French president Emmanuel Macron was slapped by a man during the country leader’s visit to the southeast of France today. Mr. Macron was quickly pulled away by the presidential security team and was left unharmed, but the altercation apparently left the attacker with a broken nail.

The man was detained by the local authorities and will be prosecuted for alleged violence against a public authority figure. However, the police are worried that the case will not stand trial.

“It is technically an offense, but it can hardly be categorized as a serious attack, as it resembles more of a jealous girlfriend attempting to scratch a cheating bitch at the mall food court.”

Spokesperson for the Valence local police

The “attacker” later admitted that he was actually going for a hair-pull, but the French president backed up and he couldn’t reach the top of his head.

“I saw red! I couldn’t control myself anymore! I just wanted to make a statement and teach his tight-ass a lesson in public!”

EXTREME SPORTS

World’s first ski descent of K2 – an introspect

13. feb. 2021, 11:12

Some call it extreme! Others call it pure adrenaline! But 99.8% call it simply unnecessary! This is the story of Polish ski mountaineer Andrzej Bargiel, who on July 22nd 2018, became the first person to ski down K2, the second tallest mountain in the world (8,611 m). In this article, we want to know the answer to the natural question “Why would you do that?”

Only a few hundred people have actually climbed K2, which would make the ski descent that much more impressive. Right? Imagine you’re making your way to the top, with your oxygen mask on, making each breath count, then all of a sudden, someone skis right past you. That’s impressive… right?!

“Yes, I was ascending the mountain that day, but skiing is too strong of a word. A more accurate statement would be: A man on skis slowly slid down through the dense, foggy air and approached me from the side. There he was, standing right in front of me, with his skis and ski equipment. I lifted my hands in confusion and asked: “What are you doing?” But he didn’t say anything, he just carried on, slowly sliding sideways on the skis that were attached to his feet. I guess I felt a little bit impressed. But mostly mocked. It was like he was mocking me. It was almost as if he was saying “I’m better than you, you breathless sack of shit”.

Mark Down, K2 climber and white dude with something to prove

Wait, so can you actually call it skiing? We wanted to know and so we sat down with extreme skier and really cool dude, Kina Pickett, and asked him what he makes of this feat. After reviewing the official footage (https://youtu.be/TiGkU_eXJa8), he was ready to make a statement:

“Wow, I don’t know. I mean he’s technically wearing skis and ski equipment. And he is changing altitude. So I guess you can call it a descent. But skiing? That’s a tough one. What is that, like 5 km/h? I don’t know man. I really can’t say, but no.”

We might never know what this was or what it actually was for. But one thing’s for sure: crazy white dudes will do anything to prove that “Hey, I’m actually cool!”

LOCAL

Tractor demonstration against the culling of minks – old Danish man thought the Germans were back

21. nov. 2020, 16:59

Late Saturday morning, several hundred tractors drove down Roskildevej into the city of Copenhagen to protest the government’s decision to cull all the minks in Denmark, in response to a possible coronavirus mutation within the animals. The decision has stirred a political crisis, with Food Minister, Mogens Jensen, having resigned, and prime-minister Mette Frederiksen, issuing a public apology.

Mads Holmgård, 71: “I actually thought the Germans were back!”

Denmark is one of the world’s largest mink fur producers, with some of the biggest existing farms, housing over 15 million animals. The decision to cull the animals will be sure to wipe out the mink fur industry in Denmark and it could take several years until it would be able to regenerate.

“We surrender! We surrender!”, Mads said, while waving a Danish flag.

The right-wing opposition will be looking to take advantage of the delicate situation the prime-minister is in, demanding a resignation of the current government.

“Wait, these aren’t tanks?”, asked the confused gentleman.

The long line of tractors was something of an attraction to passers-by, who started taking pictures of the impressive machines on their phones and posting them on social media.

“The Danish Government needs to cooperate with the German Forces. That’s the smart thing to do. Also, have you seen my grandson?”

ONLINE

Online improv jam with more than 100 attendees causes major app crash

29. may. 2020, 15:09

With the current global situation, online tools like ZOOM and Microsoft Teams have become essential in the continuation of office and social activities. It has even opened new opportunities for people around the world to collaborate and work together like never before, with businesses coming to rely heavily on the use of the online platforms. A major disruption caused all online business meetings to be cancelled for a good few hours, when a group of improvisers used the tool for what they refer to as an ”improv jam”.

A spokesperson for ZOOM agreed to a brief phone call interview:

Apparenty, improv is an art form which involves performers creating characters and lines of dialogue on the spot, with no preparation beforehand. The performers, usually in numbers of 7 to 10, use a suggestion given by the audience to inspire the scenes that come to unfold before their very eyes. One improv performer, involved in today’s incident, called and asked that we interviewed her, even though we did not want to:

Stabby Sarah: ”Improv is a way of life. I’ve been doing it for about 8 years now, and I feel I have so much more to learn still. It’s so much more challenging to do it online as well, you don’t have the audience feedback to rely on. And it’s all made up on the spot. You seem like you don’t believe me”

Reporter: ”No, I believe you”

Stabby Sarah: ”I know, it’s hard to believe that someone could come up with that kind of stuff, right? I mean, 2 talking chickens giving advice to the president? My brain’s crazy like that, I guess”

Reporter: ”It feels like that’s actually the case some time …”

Stabby Sarah: ”See, you get it. That’s called based in reality”

Reporter: ”Ok, thank you for your time”

Stabby Sarah: ”It’s all about being in the moment, do you know what I mean?”

Reporter: ”Yes, and I’m hanging up now”

Stabby Sarah: ”People improvise all the time, without even knowing it. Us, this interview, we’re doing it right now”

Reporter: ”I really don’t care about any of this”

Stabby Sarah: ”You can get a 15% discount if you sign up for our beginner level 1A class right now.”

Reporter: “… ok”

INTERNATIONAL

YouTube star killed in electric scooter accident

01. aug. 2019, 12:26

Popular vlogger and YouTube sensation, Logan “Pew-Pew” (27), was tragically killed in a traffic accident on Saturday night, when his rental electric scooter slid on an avocado peel on the road, throwing him head first through an Emmery’s shop window.

Officer Luc Besson, first repsonder to the scene, comments:

We have no reason to suspect that this was anything more than a tragic accident. The point of entry, the position of the body and the amount of blood loss indicate that the victim died shortly after impact. Post-mortem examinations will be held due course, so we are unsure if the victim was sensitive to gluten or had celiac disease.

The Emmery’s manager expressed his regret for the tragic accident and insisted that the avocado could not have come from Emmery’s as they have a secret technique to extract the pulp without actually cutting the skin, and that they only sell organic, and gluten free bakery products, and also a new iced rose oat latte, and of course the prices are high, Emmery’s is more than just a cafe, it’s a community hub, where people can meet and discuss coffee, not just drink it, it’s not about the drinking. The manager was arrested shortly after for harassment.

Logan “Pew-Pew” was highly appreciated in the vlogging community and was known for his high levels of energy, way higher than any normal human being would express in day-to-day life. His videos incorporate a lot of jump cuts and he would often move from side to side of the screen so it would appear that he is having a conversation with himself. Comments flared up on his social media profile, with one subscriber posting: “RIP Pew-Pew, I loved it when you clipped your videos a bit short so that the last word was not fully pronounced”.